Sometimes kids say the darnedest things. And sometimes kids say the darnedest things at their own doctor’s appointment, in front of their pediatrician and parent(s).
“I routinely ask kids, ‘Who lives at home with you?’ It’s an easy way to learn about their family/support network without making assumptions. A 6-year-old girl answered: ‘Mommy, grandpa, and…’ then she turned to her mom and asked. ‘Mommy, does daddy live with us?’ Mom replied, ‘No.’ Little girl turns back to me and says, ‘Daddy just sleeps over sometimes when Grandpa isn’t home.’ Definitely learned more about that mom’s support network than I needed to know.”
“I had a teenage patient ask me once how old I was. So I responded, ‘How old do you think I am?’ She says back, ‘I’m going to say 35 because when you smile you have crows feet by your eyes.’ I was 26 at the time.”
“It’s routine to ask about dental care during a visit. A mom reassured me that they brush their teeth daily and even her own child is now brushing their teeth on their own. So at the end of the visit, I gave the child a toothbrush and they started to brush their hair with it! I looked up at the mom. Really brushing their teeth?”
“I’m a pediatric occupational therapist who works in the schools. One time, a student I was working with told me he likes to make his hot chocolate with milk, and how he uses ‘cows milk, almond milk, sometimes even titty milk!’ with a dead straight face. Thank god I was wearing a mask because I could NOT hold it together. I asked him if he knew what that was, and he admitted he heard his older brother say it once. Easily the funniest thing a kid has ever said to me, hands down.”
“So I had this kid about eight or nine, and when he walked in, the first thing he said to me was, ‘My PP gets hard around you.’ I was shocked. His mom was horrified. Needless to say, the rest of the appointment was awkward.”
“Not a pediatrician, but I went to go to an X-ray of a mom, and her son was with her. He asked me if I was a vampire, and I laughed and said no and asked why. He got up and pointed to her arm and asked then why did we need her blood?”
“I asked a six-year-old patient how her summer was going and what she’d been doing. She said her parents had a big party and she got to drink, ‘gin and tonics, like the grown-ups.’ Her mom, who was in the room, about died and quickly interjected that she got to drink ‘tonic and lime,’ without the gin. I think the mom was afraid I was going to turn her in to family services. Too funny.”
“This was while I was working in-patient in the hospital. There was a kid I had seen every day who had been in the hospital for a while. During our regular morning routine, he looks at me and says, ‘You look like you’re having a bad hair day’ in a very serious voice. Well, thanks!”
“I saw a nine-year-old boy for a well visit. Everything was pretty normal until I performed the physical exam. I was doing the normal thorough exam, as I was doing the genital exam, I found a surprise. A folded $20 bill tucked away under his penis. His mom uttered a bunch of stern Spanish words and snatched that money right away. Apparently, she told him to leave it at home, and he thought he would show her. Little did he know, he was going to the one place that would reveal his secret hiding spot.”
“Me: ‘Did you have any diarrhea?’ Kid: ‘No. (Pause) I had beans.'”
“I’m a pharmacist who helps with sedation during procedures in the emergency room. A 6-year-old boy once said, as he was waking up from sedation, ‘I’m shaking like a stripper in church!’ Everyone in the room could not stop laughing. Like, excuse me, tiny sir, how are you aware of that expression, and I hope you don’t actually know what that means??”
And finally: “I’m not a pediatrician, but when my brother was four, he was visiting his pediatrician for his annual check-up when the doctor, in an attempt to get my brother to allow him to check his ears, asked him, ‘John, do you have a hole in your head?’ and without missing a beat, my brother replied, ‘No, but I have a crack in my butt!’ His pediatrician brought that up EVERY time my mom brought my brother in to see him as he was growing up. I wouldn’t be surprised if his pediatrician still tells this story.”
Are you a pediatric doctor who has a hilarious story about a kid patient? If so, please tell us what happened in the comments below.